need to get out

the weekeneds events slapped me in the face and woke me up.

i need to get out. as in, i need to get out of this place- living with my momz. i was so not down with her attitude & behaviour towards me this weekend. take for instance what happened on friday night. tee had come up from wellyz, and we were just chillaxing infront of the tv mindlessly watching this real women model doco. anyways, my momz constantly reminded me that we had to go to the supermarket for last minute baking ingredients for my party, and i was like "yup, sweet as we'll go soon" anyways, there was honestly only 5mins to go of our programme but she'd already gotten up to get ready to go and i hear this voice from the kitchen, "5... 4... 3... if you're not outside by the time i get to 1 we're not going anywhere."

i could not believe it.

i mean, WTF?! WHO DOES THAT?! it was the eve of my TWENTY THIRD birthday, NOT my THIRD!!! i felt so stink. tee didn't say anything directly to me, but i could tell what she was thinking and how akward she felt. my momz actually made alota situations feel really akward for tee over the weekend and i had to apologize 24-7 for my momz behaviour.

she (my momz) of course didn't realise what she was doing, because she is just all about keeping up appearances and lives in this fantasy world. i don't know what the hell goes on in her head. i tried to explain to her that i'm not like that with my friends, i keep it real and i've got more of a, well if you don't like it piss off then mentality lolz

i didn't have like, the worst birthday ever. but it wasn't memorable either. my momz just stressed me out by being on my back and treating me like i was 3 years old the entire day because she wanted everything to be of her high standard and that just wasn't cool for me, who prefers to be laid back, just go with the flow, and just see what happens.

i mean, she gave me lists of things to be done before my party! i was like, are you serious? and then she got shitty and told me that if i was gonna get grumpy, i wasn't alowed to have another party at home again. i was like for realz?!

i hate that i am the adult in this relationship. i know what i have to do. i have to sit her down and just have a really big talk about things with her. i would've done it on friday night, but she doesn't get down like that. too busy tryna be my best friend instead of being my mother, but when things don't go her way she pulls out the whole, "i am you're mother, show some resepect" card and expects me to see her as an authority figure?! ewww whatever.

tryna work shit out with her is close to impossible. she takes everything personally, and sees it as an attack on her. then she'll bring up that i'm ungrateful, that being a single parent hasn't been easy (but hello, my grandparents raised me all my life and then she came back when i was at high school and decided she wanted to take over) she'll go on about how much she has had to sacrifice (tear lolz) and heaps of other shit that will have nothing to do with what i'm tryna address and we'll get no where coz she'll start crying (like, literally sobbing) then say the most foolish things like, "i know you wish that i wasn't around! you'd be so much happier if didn't exist" etc etc then lock herself in her room and not talk to me for a couple of days... (it's happened all before)

your mother is supposed to be the person who teaches you your most important life lessons, and love you unconditionally. but if she can't love herself, then how can she love me properly?

i am so thankful to god that he gave me other mother figures in my grandmother & my aunt that i'm super tight with and they have instilled in me how to live right, how to think sensibly, how to embrace who i am and accept that my momz has issues that no-one can help her with until she admits to them herself. (which i highly doubt will happen anytime soon.)

so yup. that's why i need to get out. i need to stand on my own to feet. and she needs to do the same, instead of using me as an excuse not to live out her life to its full potential. she says she wants to do things like travel, etc etc. and she's just here until i finish up my study. whatever. if she really wanted to do it, she would've been long gone. just like when i was little and she decided to move to the big city, and then overseas.

good times! i cannot wait until school finishes and i can just get up and leave to my dads for the summer. go find a job, make some money, hang out at the beach. be happy. lolz