the eve of my 23rd birthday

soooo... it's the day before my 23rd birthday..
what can i say? well, first off i never dreamed that i'd be where i'm at right now.
no boyfriend
no babies
no income
no car
HAHAHAHAHA!!!

when i was little, my dream of "when i grow up" was nothing like what my current reality is like. i imagined i would be traveling the world with this amazing modeling carrer (lmao WTF?!) and also be studying medicine (at the same time as the whole modeling was going on), with the prospect of becoming a leading surgeon, so that one day i could buy my red mercedes convertible. i'd have an apartment in new york that over looked central park and own 2 cats. (i remember this clearly because we had to do an art project that was about "what i'd see out my window in 10years" and draw it.

instead, what i see out my window is my next door neighbours washing line. i am living at home with my momz, in my 4th year of photography, with no pets what so ever, no license to even drive, and no job...

the closest thing i've come to modeling is watching america's next top model, the closest thing to a mercedes is a picture of my dream silver SLR, the closest thing to new york i've come is well nothing actually lolz, and i faint at the sight of blood.

funny how life is never how you thought it would be.. gosh, maybe i should to the project again, and draw what i think i'll see out my window in 10 yrs time.. i'll be 33. god forbid if i'm still living at home with mum! LMAO

my 'big' little sister

my poor baby sister. (who's taller than me!) so this year she got sent down to go this sports academy because she's an amazing netballer. we were all like, oh that's you girl! sliver fern in the making. anywho to cut a long story short, missy moo is not doing good at all. she doesn't want to return next year to the academy, and everything is "i dunno" when you try find out what's going on.

16 years old and knows bloody everything.

now.. i feel slightly guilt because last year when i found out she was coming down i was super excited. finally, my own little sister coming down and we can hang out, and be the best of friends, i imagined the things we'd to, the places we'd go, the secrets we'd share. just like how my friends are with their sisters, but...

she was way too cool for all that. she wanted to do her own thing. she didn't care about quality bonding time with her big sister (that's never really been there) she had her own agendas.

so i was all like, well shit, do your own thing then. i don't need a "little miss attitude" all up in here.

but after talking to my aunty over an impromptu hot chocolate i'm guilty of letting my little sister down.

it is my JOB as a big sister to be as annoying as hell, but one day she'll realise that it was all outta love. but i haven't done my job. i haven't been to ANY of her games, i haven't been there when she needed me the most- which is the times when she said she was fine but she really wasn't.

yes, i know that i should come to this realization in her first few months here, but it's only just hit me and her school year is almost over. i have no idea what to do to make it up to her. because when i do things for people, i expect nothing but gratitude, love and respect back from them.

however, she is all "in love" with her stupid ass little boyfriend (who, may i add is a whole head and shoulders shorter than her lmao) and that's the only person she wants.

i feel that, because i haven't been around (we've got the same dads, i've lived with my mums family all my life, and only see my dads during holidays) that she can turn around and say "who the hell are you to tell me what to do?" it's like, a relationship of convenience between us.

when she wants something, she'll be loving. i dream up these ideas in my head and when they don't turn into reality i just give up.

*sigh*

i just don't know... (haha now i'm sounding like her!)

ungrateful biarch

and that biarch is me.

i got a parcel in the mail for my birthday from my dad today. i took it outta the mail box and i was not happy. usually i just go with the flow and i'm thankful for anything my papa gets me. ya know- it's the thought that counts.

the reason why i wasn't looking forward to opening my parcel was that when i rang my little brother for his birthday (we're a few days apart. he just turned 11), they bought him tickets to alicia keys concert in auckland. along with my step sister and her boyfriend. so here i am thinking, oooh maybe dad's gonna surprise me and say that they got me a ticket too! but all he said was, "jeez, 23? i really don't know what to get you. do you have a boyfriend yet?" i was like WTF?! what kinda question is that? so i sarcastically replied, "NAH maybe you should buy me one for my birthday". (honestly guys, who says that?!)

anyways, i was gonna wait until my birthday to open it up, but i wanted to be sure that he hadn't snuck any tickets into my birthday card (or at least given a girl some money! lolz) but no. i got a friggin' book. A BOOK?! who the hell gets a book when they're 23 while the rest of the family gets to go to alicia keys?! but...

they wrote me the most beautiful card, saying how proud of me they were for hanging in there with my studies and finishing it off. that they hope the story inspires me to continue to achieve great things, and keep traveling. and that i'm a role model for my younger brothers who now think it's 'the norm' to travel, instead of an exception for the lucky few.

i'm not gonna lie. i'm still cut up about not getting tickets, i'll just have to get them myself. i am however, grateful that my birthday was remembered, and that they thought about my gift, and that it was sent with love. (right down to the wrapping paper and ribbon i must add!)

still haven't had a shit day yet haha snaps for the kids and lovez to my dad & step mum xo

drunk on sunshine

no honestly, i am haha i woke up and the sun was actually shinning this morning! it's honestly made my day and my swag is cute today because of it. i've driven everyone in the mac labs here at school crazy with the "happy energy" that is just pouring outta me. hey, i'm just tryna share the luv lolz i've spent all day at school and have done shit all work. like, i've actually done nothing productive today. but my nana took me to lunch and i've been out to coffee numerous times and NOTHING can ruin the happy day i'm having. i even when and got my bangs cut haha looks cool if you ask me, but i could also look slightly asian. meh, i really don't care because i am in sucha good mood. i'm so over all this miserable cold weather we've been having... bring on summer already!!!

i'm listening to kora on youtube and it's up-ing my anticipation of summer vibe. been emailing rev through out the day and she said the weather is pretty shit in melbourne. i've been using all those emoticon picture thingys through out my emails just to piss her off hahaha she said she was wearing shoes that were totally inappropriate for work but looked oh-so-good! man i love that chick. she's currently looking for an appartment, so if you need a flatty. let tha girl know! 9 weeks and she'll be back in NZ yay!! (she's dreading it and i can't bloody wait lolz)

she suggested we have a 'camp out' in the back yard when she gets back. toast marshmellows, sleep under the stars, get blazed etc etc etc hahahaha we'll totally have to get rani & tee up here from wellyz to join in the fun too.

i am in sucha happy buzz. and i'm sending you my dear reader my happy energy through the bloggoshere (is that what they call it? lmao)

leading ladies

these are the 3 fly independant women i run with (ok, more like run to haha) two of them i've known since we were babies: rev (the all rounder haha.. she's a temp), rani (the actress) & tee (the poet/script writter). there was another, jae but she has fallen down the ranks. (long story lolz) *rolls eyes*

trip to brazil

since i quit my job to focus on my last semester of study, i'm really starting to feel the strain of not having money at my disposal. i used to be the girl who could just walk into a store, see something i liked, dropped some paper, and walked out very content. but now, if i spend money i have to really weigh out the pros and cons and figure out if i really need it or if i just want it..

i'm not the type to shop at high end fashion stores only. i'm big on details such as, the right fit, type of fabric, colour (love colour!), etc etc etc. money CANNOT buy you style, that is for sure! (even tho i know alota people who think that if it is expensive it equates to style... uh-uh!) i will however, fork out the cash for something that is good quality and i can see will take me through season to season.

so this rant is about not having money. it sucks!

hahaha i know, i know, money is not "everything". and i value people more than i do material things... sometimes... lolz but when you don't have it coming in as frequently as it used to it.. it.. how do i explain it without sounding like a shallow ass b*tch?! hahaha i can't endulge in the luxuries that i am accustomed to.

but today, i just had to splurge a little on myself and go to the beautician for my 'trip to brazil' hahaha so i skipped my afternoon lecture and went to see her.

nobody likes to eat what's 'good' for you

education is food for the brain. school is good for you. where are the lollies damit?! haha so i'm at school and basically shitting myself because i still haven't done enough work and i'm all over the place for my final concept for my assignment. not to mention that i should be writting my essay now too. the thing with art subjects is that you CANNOT cram the night before it's due and pull an all nighter typing up your essay. it has to be an on going process, that develops over time. being a photography major (i'm in my 4th year) you've got give time for concepts, photo shoots, printing. re-shooting, re-printing. the list goes on. i am having an "ARRRRRRRGHHHHHH WTF AM I DOING?!" moment right now. haha and i'm blogging instead of researching. :)

99 problems.. again

yea, i'm just gonna lay it all out for you tonight HAHAHAHA

another issue i have is boys.. or lack of..

so i'm like in my early 20's and have not had a boyfriend. ever. none. (ok, one when i was 15 but he doesn't count because it we met via the internet and tried long distance and after 3mths lost interest in each other haha..) why? i ask myself the same damn question hahahahaha so these are the excuses i have so far-

a) there is no potential WHAT SO EVER in this town
(all the good looking ones are related and the rest i wouldn't even waste my time on)

b) i want only the best
(no i'm not high-maintanence, or fussy, but i'm not gonna settle just because he's got a pulse like my friends are doing)

c) my nana said to wait until i've finished school
(she bought me up, so i respect her advice.. most of the time haha)


however... that doesn't mean that there haven't been any 'potentials... (and there's one i am totally hung up on, but that is a completely different story which will re-occur often dahahahaha)


so um yup.. lmao not much choice where i live. my dad recently rang me up for my birthday and asked, "got a boyfriend yet?" and so i suggested he buy me one for my birthday haha he was not impressed.

99 problems

i have issues. many issues. i am full of un-solved issues HAHA one i live everyday with, is this person in my family. she is one biiiiiiig issue. i've come to a conclusion that she is the root of all my issues. no really. she is. and when i start posting about the retarded things she does or says, you'll notice a pattern to why i'm so full of issues. and i need to figure out how to write about her without her knowing i'm talking about her..

my first post

i'm usually an old school diary keeper. so having my thoughts (most probs rants because i'm just the biggest angry guy ever and can be quite a hater too hahaha) out in the big world wide web is kinda scary but at the same time exciting. everyone is listening. no-one is listening. only recently have i been getting into other peoples blogs that i finally gave into temptaion and decided to start my own. even if i'm the only one who ends up reading this, i'm still happy i'm doing it. woop woop for me! lolz

this is going to be my 'dr.phil'.. i am everyone elses dr.phil, but have none of my own. so my blog is like, what i guess people in the states do when they go to therapy.. except they pay sh*t loads to lie on a couch and pour themselves out to someone who's supposedly listening. well i don't have the money for that ish, so instead of lying on a couch pouring out my soul, i'm sitting on my own couch doing it for free hahahaha