CAUGHT IN THE CROSS-FIRE...

i am in a fragile state at the moment. i'm a over tired, emotional & totally sen-so (sensitive) at the moment.

so it's all on for working in vietnam. plans are to leave here on the 4th of jan. yesterday i was excited, ecstatic, enthralled even... i was like, shit gotta squeeze a visit to dads in before i go, new years at the bay with mum and then i'll be off. sweet as. rang dad, and was like, look can you pay for my flight on monday? and he was like of course! did you want to come sooner? and i was like, nah we're going to hastings tomorrow to visit my aunty who recently got diagnosed with cancer.

we drove up today, and i was caught in the middle of the cross fire between mumzy and nana. it was very tense in the car, and the toxic energy was revolting. but all i could do was ref the match. i couldn't help but think wtf? this isn't right. i shouldn't have to do this. you are meant to hide all your beef from your grand/child. but no. that's not how my family roll.

got to hastings, and was expecting the worse 'coz reports were that my aunty had deteriorated rapidly. got to her room, and she was a box of birds. a little on the skinny side, but very chirpy. spent the entire day with her, chatted (ok gossiped haha) with my cousins about other cousins and then after she got back from her CT scan, we were back on the road again.

all was well, until we arrived home and got a call from my cousins saying that my aunty is going to be flown down to wellington tomorrow morning for surgery (it's cancer of the uterus). and we were like, woaaaaah what? why?

the cancer is not new. she's in the last stages.

so i've made the decision not to go to dads. that's why i'm all emo. i've been counting down the sleeps (something my baby brother and i do until we see each other again) and now there's no point. i haven't seen them all since, maybe june? so yea. i'm sad. very sad. almost on the verge of tears every 5mins sad. but i don't like crying (whether it's me or others i hate it) so it doesn't amount to having a cry.

i haven't told dad. i know he'll be emo too. he was already dissapointed that i wasn't spending christmas with him. sooooo, this will probs not make it any better. i'm gonna ask if he can come see me off at the airport in auckland. it's a long shot, but i really really really wanna see him. it's another summer that i won't get to see my brothers grow even more, and memories that won't involve me (again). but i dunno, i've grown closer to my dad over the past 4years so it's important to me.

and the fact that my aunty is practically dying infront of our eyes but she's totally in denial about it. my other aunties from samoa are flying over tomorrow, more cousins are heading down from auckland during the weekend. we're going to wellyz in the weekend to be there for her too.

what's the good side of all this? umm i get to spend my flight money on new shoes and red underware (coz it's the year of the ox in '09 and the chinese say it's meant to not be lucky for you unless you counter act it with lucky red underware lolz)

while i'm in wellys i can get my eye brows threaded&shaped.

i can fit in a visit to the beautician before we go to the bay.

would i trade that in for at least a day with my dad before i leave? hellz yea.