it's been a tough day kids.
it began normally, i knew we were going down to wellyz again to visit my aunty who is in hospital. i got excited at the prospect of sneeking to the bay for a few nights & my mind was going in over-drive to figure out how to get there and back before heading to vietnam without anyone suspecting where i was.
i was gonna get my swim in the sea after all!
i got that warm buzzy feeling you get when something you want so bad starts falling into place. i was sooooo elated that i couldn't even eat lunch.
then the phone call came- "where are you guys? can you bring nana to the hospital now?". so as we hurridly made our way to the car, my plans to go to the bay slowly faded, along with that warm buzzy feeling i'd just worked myself up to obtain.
the thing with knowing that someone is gonna die is, that if you're not near it, you're sort of ok with it. it doesn't affect you as much because you're away from it all. it's still sucks and it's still sad though.
however, being in the presence of the person who, only days ago, was their usual bubbly self, walking around, and laughing, who is now drifiting in and out of consciousness, struggling to take breaths, and in constant pain... now that is completely different.
yes, it is fulfilling that you can be there to tell stories of the good times that have passed, and continue to make memories that others who should be there, (but aren't) could be making. yet, the other side to that is, that it's draining too. physically. emotionally.
the thing with [some] people in my family is that they either play it down to "oh it's just a cold" or refuse to admit that they're sick until it's too late and nothing can be done.
cancer is a bitch. and i don't wish it on the people that i loathe the most.
i worry about 4 of my other aunties who are also not well, but are playing it down to rally around this particular one who is 'knock, knock, knocking on heavans door'. two of them i'd be devastated to lose. serious. i owe so much of who i am to them. they've been the mothers i've never had. either when my own was, all over the south pacific tryna 'find herself', or when she decided to return but got her role confused and tried to be my sister and BFF, instead of parent.
i'm just tired. and i'm back to moping around feeling sorry for myself because i'm definitly not going to the bay, so i won't get my sneeky swim after all.
nothing festive or joyful about preparing for death in the new year.
(and yes, that is a picture of a cancer cell dividing)
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