*SIGH*

this feud is affecting me more than i thought it ever would or could. how much of it did i unintentionally fuel? that's not what i ever set out to do.

i try to lead an honest life. it's not easy always being honest. especially when it comes to family, friends, and my boyfriend, but most of all myself. so when i live in an environment where people aren't honest with each other let alone themselves, then it goes against this new "honesty is the best policy" motto i've been trying to live out each day.

i'm not happy. extreamly unhappy is an under-statement. i'm fucken miserable. what i wasn't aware of, (or perhaps i just didn't want to know) is that it's affecting my relationship with my friend boy who has just recently moved in. that shit is scary, because it has nothing to do with us directly.

a few months ago, i would easily say that my life was everything i have ever wanted it to be at this point in time. i had it all. i was enjoying school, my dream of being a teacher was getting nearer, my home life was amazing, i loved my flat mates to the point that i wanted to spend every minute of the day with them.

i had 21st birthday celebrations & just general weekends on the piss to look forward to, even more so- my quarter century birthday party in august.. i've been planning to have a birthday bash at my flat and invite a select few to come and celebrate with my fab flatties. and now? now i don't want to be here at all. i want to go far far away and celebrate perhaps up north with my family.

this isn't what i originally signed up for, and yet i can't do much about it because it's not my battle to fight.

it's my flat-mate's 21st celebration this weekend, and what is meant to be a joyous occasion and a cloud of gloom hanging over it. i have been waiting for this night for so long. from when we worked together when she was at high school, to when my sister celebrated her 21st two years ago, i just couldn't wait for it. however, i am so sad. i can't even bare to be out in the lounge mingling with everyone- something i'm good at and live for.

i'm hurt and sad for both my flatties. so much so that as the friend boy and i got into another argument, (underlying issues we've just figured out always leads back to them) that i just burst into tear and ended up crying uncontrollably. he knew something was up when that happened, and then slowly got me to spill the guts on what was on my mind.

i'm not sure if i'm strong enough to do this anymore. i'm close to breaking point, and i'm worried about when i snap. i've had moments and the weekend has just begun. but it's not about me this weekend, it's her weekend and because i have crazy love i just have to harden up and compose myself until mid-week next week. it's not about me, it's all about her, and the least i can do is make sure that she has the time of her life with her friends and family.

what i really want to do is go back to the beginning of the year, when the weather was warm and life was good. instead it's freezing and life sucks.

the end.